Engineering: Dreams, or Self-Actualization?

At what point did you start to think you were an engineer? An engineer. What a lofty, prestigious-sounding title! I am not lofty or prestigious. But I do question things. Like why do people follow archaic procedures and thinking patterns, if there is a clearly better path? When you work in a school everything is sort of need-to-know only. So I don’t know why things are done the way they are done, until I plow through 20 brick walls. Persistence answers yesterday's reasoning. Today builds tomorrow. I cannot stand it when people do not care. How could you not care about improving? You wanna sit there, following the same pointless protocol you have been doing for 15 years, just because that is what is being done? Please - someone needs to give a sh*t. I am surrounded by nincompoops. At previous employeers, I have always had questions, and the only people that could potentially answer are out of reach, typically. I have found meaning in helping the people that I interact with on a daily basis. The tiny sliver of help I can give them brings meaning to my life. The person in the room next to me runs the laminator for everyone. This person was not present for months. I took it upon myself to learn how to use an industrial size laminator with no instructions, and no idea. It is not in my job description, and I hurt my hands doing it. The end result was many thankful people, curbing the sudden popularity of the single laminator at the beginning of the year. I’ve had a weird itch that is unshakable, this weird thought: “Am I an engineer? What makes one an engineer? What are the defining characteristics of an engineer, and do I have this mindset?” Today, while googling the truths about my own existence I came to realize the act of asking questions, and digging for answers backed by sound reasoning, is actually a very engineer thing to do. I laughed at myself when I realized this. But then I wondered, no, I’m not an engineer, I am a philosopher. Well, technically, anyone can have a philosophy. I’m going to end it there. This thought pattern of thinking “Am I an engineer?” was sparked while working at a previous employer. I went poking around one day and discovered that my name was listed under “Engineering Team”. I did not point it out to anyone that I saw it, and no one told me about it, ever. I think my heart stopped beating for a moment. That simple moment of seeing my name on anything related to engineer felt staggering. Someone thought so much of me as to put me into such a category? What an honor. In case it was a mistake, I did not want to find out, and was not going to say anything because I liked it, and wanted it to stay. My actual title was something like “Network Installation and Computer Technician Apprentice” or some such nonsense. Terminating cables outside in the freezing cold of winter with my bare hands, I definitely earned whatever my title was at the time. That is one of my last memories at that job by the way. Making less than $20,000 that year, I knew I took that job as my foot in the door to tech, IT, and one day, if I am lucky, maybe software engineering, if AI doesn't ruin my tiny plans. I would certainly never claim to be an engineer, coming from an art and nutrition background, I am out of place. In Canada, they have strict requirements. In the USA, you can slap “software engineer” on a skeleton and people make memes about it. Does the title have meaning, actually? Further contemplation. I have always been one to analyze myself, in the worst of times and the best of times. I learn the hard way, but the lessons I have learned in life in general, have given me the ability to be an unshakable tank, or dive 110% into something. This is a skill I have always had, but for much of my life, I was distracted, I was always chasing things that were weightless. I started going to school again for many reasons, but mostly because I was bored with life. Frustrated at the lack of interesting things happening around me. This cannot be it, I am still certain there is more. I am forever a student. I have easily 8 years of college under my belt. Not to mention assorted other learnings. I feel like I still know absolutely nothing. I am only just beginning. Im not sure what I am, besides present. Jay Shetty states in his book How to Think Like a Monk that the only thing that is truly with you your entire life is your breath. …If thats the case, then everything is a variable, and anything is possible. Perhaps one day, a woman with questions can be a lofty engineer.